Lost Whyspers

Watched movie Everything Everywhere All At Once Still trying to process what it means to me Particularly liked a part where one character talked about how others might see him as weak However he uses kindness and positivity as his way to fight against despair in the universe Started playing Diablo 3 again a little Christmas weekend went okay

Listened to meditation about anxiety Talked about how anxiety is something people get used to Sometimes felt each day for years Worried about losing it and not knowing what to replace it with Better the devil you know than the one you don't I feel this way sometimes Feel superstitious that if I don't have the anxiety, then things will go badly That the anxiety is what keeps me safe or makes things work out Created above character using AI art tool Ran out of images from free trial Need to decide if I want to do more Love the potential Still pondering Misc game for FoL

Knew I hadn't written for a while, but didn't realize 2 weeks Busy thinking about other things I guess Life going okay overall though Preparing to talk to counselor online Nervous about this Still need to reply to people! Completed another Forum Mafia game on FoL Subbed into it Want to write more about it in separate post Reading Cytonic by Brandon Sanderson Book 3 of the Skyward series

I finally got around to adding an AI bot called Midjourney to my private Discord server and setting it up. I tested it with the prompt "fate saber celebrating christmas" and got the above image after a couple upscales. I'm looking forward to testing out some other images. 🙂

Yesterday's blowup ended up better than expected Things going okay I guess Still worried as usual Trying to get better about that How do I get to the point where I am okay with conflict? Or with uncertainty? Or even thrive on uncertainty? Scares me when I see about crimes or accidents happening Especially when close to our area How can I become more like a Stoic with events like these? I need to learn from things yet not let them overwhelm me with fear or other emotions that aren't helpful Wish I could be more helpful to my nieces with various issues in their lives I hate when I can't really do anything other than listen Though I know that listening is helpful still I do wish to become more of a guide

We (Town) won the invitational game on FoL! 🙂 Pathologic Invitational - TOWN VICTORY!! - Forum Games / Completed - Fortress of Lies Really need to update my FM game list Working through slight depression Working through long-term ways to handle life Need to reply to people Heard about new TV series called Wednesday Based on Addams Family Backing up couple games on FoL Not sure how ready I am to start game again Want to play, but also not wanting to move too quickly into it Big issue blowing up now 😟

Guess I went through this week without writing Busy earlier this week with Forum Mafia game Later just busy I guess Also rather tired Is there no true rest? Reading ReDawn Trying to choose next non-fiction book Need time to think through stuff Wanting to watch something but don't feel like I'll enjoy watching right now Wanting to play but don't feel like I'll enjoy Depression again? Something else? Something pulling me elsewhere? EDIT: Been coming up with ideas for my project

Tired, although I slept longer Maybe depression? Probably depression from family issues Trying to focus on being thankful for what I have Started reading ReDawn by Brandon Sanderson Novella in the Skyward series Recalled today that I may have forgotten to reply to Jun Need to check my Discord again soon Not really feeling like looking there Don't think I can handle more Why do I make things so difficult? What's wrong with me? Sometimes wish I could just be a spirit that helps people in the background Watch people from a distance Help them out at times when hope is lost Be close yet far at the same time Be involved in their lives and helping, yet keep myself apart

I finished reading Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything by Viktor Frankl. It really spoke to me as it has to many others. I wanted to quickly quote a paragraph from the end of the book that particularly addressed something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. It is terrible to know that at every moment I bear responsibility for the next; that every decision, from the smallest to the largest, is a decision “for all eternity”; that in every moment I can actualize the possibility of a moment, of that particular moment, or forfeit it. Every single moment contains thousands of possibilities—and I can only choose one of them to actualize it. But in making the choice, I have condemned all the others and sentenced them to “never being,” and even this is for all eternity! But it is wonderful to know that the future—my own future and with it the future of the things, the people around me—is somehow, albeit to a very small extent, dependent on my decisions in every moment. Everything I...

Trying to be positive and thankful Almost finished reading Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything by Viktor Frankl Still learning guitar Feels like slow progress Getting better at the 3 chords I'm working on Fingers don't hurt as much Still hard to switch between them Trying to get through little tasks Finished up some tasks that were tugging at me Want to chat more with people Though also afraid for some reason Feel afraid of starting things up? Feel afraid that I can't consistently reply? Why should this matter so much? Again, I think mostly I'm just afraid of having too much to think about Yet I need a release When things are going smoothly, I'm afraid to make waves Yet that is probably when I should be taking more chances I need to make myself more comfortable with confrontation And with choices and making decisions

Finished reading Hero on a Mission by Donald Miller Rated 4/5 Felt inspirational and I considered rating this higher Still need to go through the worksheets for this, which will be the real test Special family event tonight Going to be busy weekend for Thanksgiving

Day going by so quickly Almost forgot to write here Frustration and hope mixed together a lot lately Reading a little Need more time to read I'm thankful for life Can't believe the year is almost over as well Should I plan out next year? Want more time for HOAM Wrote a little on Friday

Felt so tired this morning Starting to wake up Had to take it slowly Continuing to learn guitar Feels like progressing slowly Going to keep at it though Starting to turn things around Feeling better about the day Want to get around to some deep thinking Still loving AI art Want to take some time to read about it Saw video about using a tool to create self-portraits

Remember, the key to accomplishing something big is to stay focused on what you're trying to bring into the world and putting a little something on the plot every day. ― Donald Miller How in the world do some people write so much so quickly? Wish I was a better writer I know part of it is simply practice Just doing it as a routine and gradually getting better I'll keep up with this journaling at least Keep viewing AI art Amazed still by what I see Want to get into using it Not exactly sure what I need to do I have some ideas of how to use AI art for my potential projects Reading! Can I get to it today? Found myself aggravated yesterday by someone's ridiculous request Not sure whether to just give in and do it to smooth things over Or whether to push back so this doesn't continue in the future Still disappointed in myself for letting it get to me more than it should I should be more calm about these things Keep finding myself wasting time Still trying to figure out best ...

Why do I let myself get aggravated easily in discussions or arguments? I do feel the need to correct people on mistakes Yet sometimes that doesn't really matter Especially if they aren't really receptive Often people have another point to continuing the discussion and don't really care about being correct I try to not let myself get clouded by the need to set things right I try to tell myself to look at the end goal of a conversation To also look at the end goal of a relationship with someone Will continuing to correct them help? If not, then just let it go Feeling so busy and slightly overwhelmed Though not too stressed Just lots to do and I'm trying to keep moving forward Slightly anxious about issues coming up, but doing okay This is probably a good state to be in overall Need to get more reading in Still meditating Believe this is helping Still putting in time to study Still taking time to exercise

Aaahhhh, it can be so frustrating working with idiotic people! 🙂 Seems like this can't be avoided anywhere in life Keep needing to remind myself to not let it get to me Though hypocrites are worse And people who are stubborn just because they want to pick a fight I'm the type of person who always wants to find a solution and try to make things work out best for everyone Too busy today to stop and think of what else to write

Love this artwork from Nixeu, so using it for my profile pic. I believe it is a character named Ei from Genshin Impact.

Been wondering how I feel about this new AI art phenomenon Some images are so cool So much potential Heard that some artists use these as starting points and then fix them up But does knowing that these are AI art reduce the appeal? I do think somewhat less of them than if a human had made them Yet at the same time, I do feel fascinated that AI could produce these just from text WindwardAway chatted with me about fencing She was surprised that I was into fencing Sounds like she has done historical fencing with rapiers and longswords Would be cool to do something like that in the future Going to sign up for another game on 17th Shard Kind of an experimental FM game

Finished watching Edge of Tomorrow Probably my 4th time or so Love the movie Replied to Silviu on FoL about advice for living life and combating depression Hmmmm, not sure if this is a call for advice from “old people”. 🙂 Though I was delighted to learn recently that Leafia is actually a couple years older than me. 🙂 A lot of your advice is spot on. Though I suppose a lot of it is the regular stuff you hear about drinking water and sleeping well and all. Everyone hears that they should do those things, but people still don’t necessarily heed it. Haha, I still tend to drink lots of coffee instead of pure water. 🙂 But one item you mentioned was something I’d like to emphasize. Taking up hobbies is definitely something that helps add vigor into your life. There was a time when I basically did nothing for hobbies. People would ask, “So what do you do in your free time? Do you have any hobbies?” and I’d be like “Ummmm, yeah, well, I like reading… and listening to podcasts…” 🙂 A rea...

Tired Don't feel like doing much Must move forward though Finished watching Rings of Power S01E07 Also watched couple episodes of Brandon Sanderson discussing the TV series with someone Interesting to listen to their perspectives Still enjoying the series overall One more episode to go Feel like I keep forgetting things Took care of couple things I'd forgotten to do earlier

Mix of good and bad news today Things are manageable overall Doing well in some games on BGA Got into Elite league for Martian Dice Managed to get into Gold league for Can't Stop Getting stuff done Yet still so much on my list Need to get back to more planning Still studying Chinese most days Meditating more recently Both love and hate that people depend on me Want to be needed Want to help out Yet also get frustrated sometimes when taken for granted Recently liking song called Silent Scream Anna Blue- Silent Scream (Official Music Video) - YouTube

Why do some people make things more difficult than they need to be??? Can I find some uninterrupted time to finish up a task? EDIT: I finished this up and it was much easier than expected 🙂 Getting somewhat better at playing a couple chords correctly on guitar Still difficult to switch quickly between them Find myself wanting to slip into despair Keeping my spirits up as best as I can Keeping in mind my quest Brainstorming ideas for RPG motivation app or website Something I've been thinking about for a long time I have thoughts of what would help me Wish it were easier to get thoughts into the real world I feel like there is still something in my mind that needs to get out Oh, I think a new Mistborn book was released Man, I need to update my FM game list Doing better at updating the FoL game list than my own 🙂

Feel weird depression trying to take hold When I look at my list of things to do, it is huge I could easily fall into despair At the same time, I know there will be a way to manage all this And even if I can't, I know that it all doesn't really matter so much Life will move on What's important to focus on? Stories Don't forget to enjoy stories Don't forget to give life stories Started learning guitar I've wanted to do so for some time Assassin in the Palace game finished on FoL Quite short Zone was the assassin and won He was correctly executed the second day, but correctly chose Magnus as the King for his target AI Upick FM game starting on FoL soon Hopefully I can manage it Kind of tired today Had distractions late last night

Feeling good this morning Things should be okay today Still want to get stuff done though Judicious use of rewards and compliments for good behavior Works even in difficult relationships Something heard from Jordan Peterson again in podcast Urgent issue came up Hopefully easy enough to handle

Made a couple mistakes Recovered somewhat sloppily Glad to be through that though Got through some routines this morning Good to get them done early when possible Routines really do help me Preparation really helps me avoid issues Want to do more Want to put my effort into meaningful things, even if small things Still hesitating on playing mobile or PC games Not sure why? Maybe just don't want the trouble? I do want to play something sometimes

Another day, another struggle Trying to think about why I felt so good last night Probably something to do with it being the end of a day and nothing left required Yet I want to do more Just feel tired of all the struggles Yet shouldn't I be glad for those? More things to plan out Feels good that people are a little more talkative lately on FoL People submitting nominations for awards Still like that they introduced the anon feedback thing Keep getting this feeling like I want to write more Want to say more about how I feel But then I can't really think of what to write 🙂

Halloween was enjoyable last night Glad my nieces got to experience it while still young enough Keep trying to remind myself not to dwell too much on difficulties Don't make things bigger than they are Also keep reminding myself of all the struggles I've overcome I'm so thankful for that Also so many things could have been much worse and yet weren't Think I'm kind of tired Probably should be getting more sleep Lately I've been staying up longer than I should Why do I get stuck so much? Even for little things that I know aren't so bad? I can sense it is mainly that I'm worried about all the possibilities All the possible problems that might stem from the one step I just feel so tired and don't want to have to deal with more Even thinking about more issues I don't want to deal with that sometimes Even when they are all little things when it comes down to it I really do need to exercise my ability to make decisions I think the above image was create...

Listening to philosophy podcasts Philosophize This! #126 - Gilles Deleuze pt. 2 - Immanence Existential Stoic Podcast - "The Republic" by Plato Existential Stoic Podcast - Reevaluating Suffering & Stress Jordan B. Peterson Podcast 291 - How to Combat Hedonism | Dr. Peter Kreeft Sunday Stoic 292: Memorize the Stoics with Dr. Kevin Vost Still struggling with balancing hope and despair Considering playing game like RimWorld or Stellaris Seem popular among FoL members Started playing tennis again Oh yeah, it's Halloween today 🙂 Made me recall times in Mobile Legends Miss those times somewhat, yet know I shouldn't return to that Couple more games starting up on FoL Chair of Deception game unfortunately canned since not enough players Not sure if I should join one or both of these new games EDIT: Adding note after listening to Jordan Peterson podcast mentioned above Dr. Kreeft says something about how our free will is all interconnected Good choice you make now will ...

Completed a few tasks I'd been delaying Day going well so far Chatted with Silviu a bit He was talking about his goal in learning multiple languages For working towards future goal in becoming a translator Replied to Jane's recommendation to watch anime called Bocchi the Rock If I had seen mention of it before and the general theme, I probably wouldn't have taken a 2nd look About girls in a rock band However, since Jane highly recommended it, I read a little more and see it is about social anxiety Others highly recommend it as well So placed it on my watch list

Moving forward Prepared some things for future progress Brainstorming further ideas Time passing so quickly Need to stay focused and not go off on too many tangents at once Watched episode 6 of Rings of Power Enjoying this series I've read people criticize how it departs from Tolkien's actual lore Still enjoying it and not thinking too much about that Need to figure out audiobooks to listen to Even re-listening to some would be good Listening to Making Sense podcast Making Sense #291: Where is Happiness? Buddhism term "metta" translates to "loving kindness" Buddhism term "mudita" translates to "sympathetic joy"

It's been time for me to change my profile pic. I took the time to animate one of Scathach. I know that the profile doesn't really show her cool weapons, but I do like this view of her.

Sometimes I wonder if my ideas are utter foolishness or if there is truly a heroism in them. Like right now, I want to bring people together. I want to find ways to create and promote communities. Yet I also know I don't have the talent to do this alone. I'm not good at maintaining such things. I can only support and hope that things continue to grow on their own. I've been pondering whether to do more about FoL. Should I bother with trying to improve it? Is it really my place to do so anyway? I'm somewhat an outsider still. So why do I care so much? I'm still wondering about talking with Chloe or Arete to get their views on how things are going. And then I've considered starting discussions on the forum, possibly even the weekly discussions about topics. Should I bother? And there are still Miach and Shade. I've abandoned them for too long. How do I return? What will it be like? I'm pretty sure they would welcome me back wholeheartedly. And I can probab...

Find myself constantly fluttering between hope and despair throughout the day So easily affected by changing circumstances And by even just thoughts of upcoming events

Regretted getting up this morning Wasn't looking forward to a couple tasks for the day However they ended up going more smoothly than expected Yesterday evening had some troublesome happenings Trying to take them in stride though Everything is for a purpose I will look towards my quest Considering offering to backup game on 17th Shard LG 90 game didn't list any pinch-hitters Looks like a large player list with many new people Could see that there might be need for backup Game on FoL filling slowly Started listening again to song Rise Up by Beyonce Beyonce - Rise Up (Epic Movie Clip HD) - YouTube Use to love listening to this 🙂 Inspires me to strive to inspire others, especially children Movie Epic was really good too Constant struggle not simply letting myself slide into despair Sometimes just so tired of fighting But isn't the struggle what makes us feel life? I can understand that conceptually, but still want to give up sometimes I see more and more that habits and ri...

Signed up for Secret Societies game on FoL Considering whether to ask Chloe about how things are going with FoL Want to ask about any issues or plans Maybe I'll write a post and have some polls about various things Trying to get myself involved in more projects that make me feel good Continuing to watch Lycoris Recoil Not sure whether to keep playing much on BGA Fun sometimes yet also gets repetitive Feel like sometimes I'm just playing to try to make progress in the Arena Think I should probably play more real-time games on there instead Difficult to guarantee stretch of time for that though Trying not to dwell on how despicable some people can be Difficult to balance being forgiving and merciful with being a pushover Realize I need to work out these issues before I become someone with more power and influence Subconsciously I might be holding myself back since I know I'm not ready Need to care yet not care I see the contradictions in the messages I hear, yet I also feel l...

Feeling pretty good this morning Something could suddenly turn that all around For now, though, things are fine 🙂 Finished reading Sunreach Rated 4/5 stars Interesting to read from another character's point of view in this series Though want to quickly return to Spensa's story Sorting through my plans for the week Want to make some significant steps for my quest Signed up for the next FoL Chair of Deception game Looks like it might take a while to fill

Feel better being prepared Yet never feel quite prepared enough Also constantly worried about possible dangers Improving at fencing Won against a couple tough opponents last time My niece was bragging about me 🙂 Coach likes my foot movements Going to push myself forward in other areas starting next week

Attention is our life Listening to Time Management for Mortals series by Oliver Burkeman in Waking Up app Need to get use to making more decisions rather than less Distractions like TV or the Internet themselves aren't the cause of the problem They are just the places we go because of a discomfort over confronting other issues Removing one form of distraction will just make us seek out other forms Learn to enjoy engaging in difficult things Kindle a willingness to feel the discomfort Is this like becoming antifragile? Stressful weekend coming up After that, things will go more smoothly again

Keep to the mission So much could derail me this week Want to get something done on Project SV! How do I better deal with problem people around me? I can't remove them from my life Even if I could, more would fill their place I need to learn to deal with these things I feel like Takina learning from Chisato Working on setting things up for smoother operations

Yesterday was fairly successful Completed one planned task in good timing Completed another task I had hoped to do and did successfully Also accomplished something on my own that I use to dread having to ask others to do Happy that I can handle it by myself in the future Today was so-so Couple times I almost worried myself too far, but got over it Feel tired this evening Dread talking with family about things Feel like I just get negative feedback Overcame a near fall into depression Reminded myself that I'm on a mission Want to solidify my thoughts on this Watched 1st episode of anime called Lycoris Recoil Seems like an interesting show Like Chisato's desire to just help people with her talent

Reading Hero on a Mission yesterday Started to feel more inspired again Wrote some things down for me to do Need to write out a life plan of some sort Not sure if I'll follow exactly what the book suggests So tired this morning Thought I've been sleeping okay Apparently I need more rest Sudden thought came to me that I need more decorative items around me Things to remind me of my path Perhaps things related to knights Would be so cool to have a Saber figurine I tend to shirk off these things, but perhaps they are important I used to have things around me when I was a teenager Resolved some problems

Feeling kind of strange today Almost like I'm starting to get sick Maybe just a little queasy from nervousness Feel lost  Probably good I didn't join FM game yet Too much going on to focus yet Feel like things are settling and yet they aren't So much yet that is changing or could change suddenly Didn't reply much yesterday Really should today Just don't feel like getting into more discussions on things Having difficulty viewing problems as "challenges" Everything seems to take longer than expected Often more issues crop up But this should be a good thing, right? Gives me more to do and challenge myself? 🙂 The point is the path and not the destination, right? I'm trying to convince myself of this... Music helps

I can't focus!!! Need to just keep it to small steps! Going to try listening to Stoic podcasts again Sunday Stoic 285: Oikeiosis Sunday Stoic 286: Meditations X.1-3: Align Your Natures Sunday Stoic 287: Part of the Whole. Meditations 10.4-10.6 Sunday Stoic 288: Meditations 10.7: Change is not Evil Sunday Stoic 289: Meditations 10.8 How to find the Fortunate Islands Sunday Stoic 290: Wise Up With Karen Duffy

Having difficulty focusing on anything Too much to think about Too much upcoming Still considering joining the FM game Problem is that I have an upcoming trip next week Might not be able to post for a few days Miach sent more emails I replied to one about a song from Against The Current Feeling tired

Today is Taiwan's national day! 🙂 Glad to see more and more people around the world supporting Taiwan Saw article about Taiwanese citizen's being more inspired to protect their country based on Ukraine's example Still feeling kind of weird about my direction Trying to just choose things to move forward on Created mindmap named Forward for listing areas where I can make progress on Still not sure on whether to join the next FM game on FoL This week shouldn't be too bad Weekend went pretty well Miach contacted me again with a supportive message Shade has pinged me on Discord Really should respond soon SM from Fiverr gave me some stuff to look at for the FoL database search Little confusing, but will try to find time to check it out Not exactly sure what his timeline is for the rest Urgent issues coming in

Osie made a goodbye post on FoL that has me somewhat rattled Feel like making a reply Not sure how much I want to get involved Not sure exactly how I feel about Osie Not sure exactly how I feel about the situation Wondering whether to send a message to Chloe Finished a few tasks Saturday Hoping this upcoming family trip goes well Feeling somewhat heavy tonight Like I'm in the middle of endings and beginnings Thinking about joining a FM game soon Earlier thinking about Sassy from my Mistborn clan Miss her Hope she and the baby are doing well

Oh, I'm improving at fencing! 🙂 Going to continue practicing motions on my own when possible Thinking about making a tube thing for practicing my grip Doing good at some small routines Feeling more hopeful in general Still wary Reached gold in the BGA arena for Martian Dice Enjoying artwork by Dylan Kowalski Love the realism Been taking note of his work a while now Glad he's been continuing his work

Not sure that I have much to say, but want to keep up the writing habit Trying to start practicing fencing a bit on my own Thought about looking for videos on YouTube Think I just need more familiarity with movements to be more comfortable Got done with some errands I'd been putting off Still more to do Still struggling with depression once in a while Again, think I need to establish more routines Also need to take on more challenges and be open to difficulties Need more reading! Why do I keep putting this aside? Still feeling urge to play something Yet still feel hesitant to start anything Kind of worried about getting interrupted all the time

I'm such a wimp at fencing 😔 I'm way too cautious Need to work on getting more aggressive This is a good example of how I am at life in general Need to be less uncertain Need to stop overthinking Still loving Rings of Power J is absolutely crazy! She'll switch between emotions so suddenly Start complaining fervently about some small matter Start complaining about something that she caused Once she starts complaining about one matter, she'll bring in all past matters again Feel like I have more to get off my mind, but can't think of it now 🙂

Rings of Power is really good so far Mindmapped the major "obstacles" in my life Not quite so bad when viewed in perspective Helps by watching shows and hearing stories, both real life and fantasy, about much worse things people could be going through Guy on Fiverr started working again on database search for FoL archive Hopefully can get done soon Not sure if Orange still has an event planned