Lost Whyspers

I decided it was time to change my profile pic again. This is a beautiful drawing by Nixeu of Ashe from League of Legends.

I switched over to a new profile pic of a winter girl. I animated it with the falling snow.

Listened to meditation about anxiety Talked about how anxiety is something people get used to Sometimes felt each day for years Worried about losing it and not knowing what to replace it with Better the devil you know than the one you don't I feel this way sometimes Feel superstitious that if I don't have the anxiety, then things will go badly That the anxiety is what keeps me safe or makes things work out Created above character using AI art tool Ran out of images from free trial Need to decide if I want to do more Love the potential Still pondering Misc game for FoL

I finally got around to adding an AI bot called Midjourney to my private Discord server and setting it up. I tested it with the prompt "fate saber celebrating christmas" and got the above image after a couple upscales. I'm looking forward to testing out some other images. 🙂

Felt so tired this morning Starting to wake up Had to take it slowly Continuing to learn guitar Feels like progressing slowly Going to keep at it though Starting to turn things around Feeling better about the day Want to get around to some deep thinking Still loving AI art Want to take some time to read about it Saw video about using a tool to create self-portraits

Remember, the key to accomplishing something big is to stay focused on what you're trying to bring into the world and putting a little something on the plot every day. ― Donald Miller How in the world do some people write so much so quickly? Wish I was a better writer I know part of it is simply practice Just doing it as a routine and gradually getting better I'll keep up with this journaling at least Keep viewing AI art Amazed still by what I see Want to get into using it Not exactly sure what I need to do I have some ideas of how to use AI art for my potential projects Reading! Can I get to it today? Found myself aggravated yesterday by someone's ridiculous request Not sure whether to just give in and do it to smooth things over Or whether to push back so this doesn't continue in the future Still disappointed in myself for letting it get to me more than it should I should be more calm about these things Keep finding myself wasting time Still trying to figure out best ...

Love this artwork from Nixeu, so using it for my profile pic. I believe it is a character named Ei from Genshin Impact.

Been wondering how I feel about this new AI art phenomenon Some images are so cool So much potential Heard that some artists use these as starting points and then fix them up But does knowing that these are AI art reduce the appeal? I do think somewhat less of them than if a human had made them Yet at the same time, I do feel fascinated that AI could produce these just from text WindwardAway chatted with me about fencing She was surprised that I was into fencing Sounds like she has done historical fencing with rapiers and longswords Would be cool to do something like that in the future Going to sign up for another game on 17th Shard Kind of an experimental FM game

Halloween was enjoyable last night Glad my nieces got to experience it while still young enough Keep trying to remind myself not to dwell too much on difficulties Don't make things bigger than they are Also keep reminding myself of all the struggles I've overcome I'm so thankful for that Also so many things could have been much worse and yet weren't Think I'm kind of tired Probably should be getting more sleep Lately I've been staying up longer than I should Why do I get stuck so much? Even for little things that I know aren't so bad? I can sense it is mainly that I'm worried about all the possibilities All the possible problems that might stem from the one step I just feel so tired and don't want to have to deal with more Even thinking about more issues I don't want to deal with that sometimes Even when they are all little things when it comes down to it I really do need to exercise my ability to make decisions I think the above image was create...

Oh, I'm improving at fencing! 🙂 Going to continue practicing motions on my own when possible Thinking about making a tube thing for practicing my grip Doing good at some small routines Feeling more hopeful in general Still wary Reached gold in the BGA arena for Martian Dice Enjoying artwork by Dylan Kowalski Love the realism Been taking note of his work a while now Glad he's been continuing his work

Falling back on simple Bullet Journal Really feel need to write, but can't find focus for more complete writing Thoughts in my head driving me crazy Reading stuff in #lgbt-zone channel of Breadbox My heart goes out to some of these people Wish some way in heaven and earth that I could help Teetering on depression Keeping myself from dwelling on thoughts that I know could bring me down Found that I need to go back to watching inspirational videos Let me release my emotions to some extent I do still feel a light of hope through all this I know I can make it God or someone or something has always been watching over me For this I am truly thankful Want to write about some ongoing games on FoL Might try continuing to read Harrow the Ninth next

Organizing bit by bit WindwardAway sent me DM asking if I was interested in joining Osie's game on FoL First of all, I was pleasantly surprised to get the message from WWA Not sure what prompted her to ask She's not a co-host for the game It's wonderful when people reach out like this Previously I decided not to join because a game like this will be difficult to keep up with Now I'm considering again She said she won't try hard for the 1st day or 2 I probably wouldn't be able to do much for 1st day or 2 since it starts on the Tomb Sweeping Festival 4-day weekend Also talked about Magnus' RP game on FoL Also want to join that, but not sure I could focus on it Feel like I'd be disappointed and possibly frustrated Started reading Thinking in Bets again from where I'd paused

I wish so much that I could write more freely. That I would be held back so much from writing what's on my mind. I've been considering what impedes me. I'm pretty sure a part is simply that I don't feel confident. I don't know whether my words will be considered seriously. Or they may be misinterpreted. Or that I will look silly for the ideas I present. Another aspect is somewhat related but a slightly different focus. I feel so strongly that I can't get into words all my true thoughts. And this annoys me. I have an idea in my mind and think that there's no way I can get it completely into words. No matter how hard I might try. So then it feels almost a disservice to even try. That I'm making an inferior version of the idea by putting it into words. I know this is all silly. People realize that words don't necessarily convey everything but that a person still needs to try. And I also realize that this improves over time with practice. The more I writ...

Listening to post-rock again to soothe myself while walking SBPC game on FoL was a success Some people seemed genuinely interested in the results Nice to see talk about old times People got to learn about early history of site DatBird was nice to specifically compliment my hosting Orange asked me to be one of the co-hosts for his upcoming invitational again He said he liked how well I handled the other one I said that I probably could Hopefully my schedule will work out He said "you're awesome, genuinely" 🙂 That was especially nice coming from him Thinking about joining Osie's game on FoL Seems kind of like a mini-mash Might not require too much investment, which I wouldn't have time for Though could have tons of posts Almost done reading The Sword of Kaigen Found time to meditate today Really need to do this more often Sometimes try at night, but usually feel too sleepy Scruffy contacted me today Should contact Miach soon

I've been waiting to change my pfp to this eventually. This is another piece titled Sunshine from my favorite artist WLOP . She's sooo pretty. I had considered changing my pfp to my own photo for my birthday yesterday like I've done the last couple years. However, I ended up not doing so. I feel like I should be more careful.

Started off crazy busy today Felt like so many demands all at once Too much responsibility How could I ever handle being a hero? How could I decide between 2 competing needs? Need to decide which takes priority Always hoping for some way to "save" both Learning to think outside the box Learning to prioritize more quickly WindwardAway joined mod team on FoL Good choice Sometimes feel jealous of WWA She's so cool in many ways Happy for her Pondering choices Realize it's usually better to simply go with 1st choice for decisions that don't matter much Like choosing coffee or food or whatever Don't dwell too much Sometimes 2nd guess myself and think I might regret 1st choice Now tell myself oh well that's fine Also realize need to ponder things ahead of time before decision time Need to figure out my general principles so they guide me quickly at critical points Learning to short-circuit analysis paralysis

Good results coming in for my occupation Still have lots to work on Played with some previous Mistborn clan members in Mobile Legends Posted role-playing survey on FoL Based on discussion with Vulgard about RPing Also Ruby expressed interest for my Betrayal game Hesitating awhile on whether to start up the discussion Worried about reaction of others I guess Initial reactions were somewhat disappointing Now reactions are becoming more interesting and enjoyable to see Another great piece from my favorite artist WLOP

Feeling more hopeful recently Working on changing my mindset Trying out various methods from the past that I remember helping Feel like I want to ask Arete about Telume They have quote on their FoL profile I think Telume is a RP character of theirs Feel hesitant to just come out and ask though Starting to feel more like playing Forum Mafia again Probably stick with adding myself as backup See what opportunity presents itself Probably should follow a game more closely Still thinking about Misc game to host on FoL Kind of want to finish designing Forum Moba Maybe should go with Betrayal at House on the Hill though Thinking about my purpose more and more Thinking about what truly motivates me Like some of the new styles by one of my favorites artists named Nixeu

I feel like I'm treading water. Just doing enough to get by. I thought I was improving recently with some thoughts about stories and how life is all stories and how we interpret them. But I haven't moved forward with that. My day is broken up into so many little segments. I either feel so tired, or I'm busy, or I'm waiting on someone or something and can't focus. Or I just want to rest and recover. I keep thinking that I need to plan out my days more. And that's probably true. But I'm not sure how to make that work. It's more a motivation problem. And lack of energy. How can I shape my story to help myself move forward? While out walking this evening, I did think about something that came up in my meditation sessions recently. She talked about thinking about this being the last day of my life and what I would prioritize. So I actually dwelled on that a bit tonight. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't worry about anything like wanting to travel somewhere o...

I switched out my pfp to something lighter. This one was just called Pink Girl.