Lost Whyspers

It’s been a long time since I wrote here. The last post was in 2023, which feels strange to even type. ⏳ A lot has happened since then, although I’m not sure I know how to summarize it neatly. Anxiety , mostly. Some other life issues. A slow tendency to recede from things instead of reaching toward them. 🌧️ At first it was online spaces. I stopped replying to messages. I avoided communities I used to enjoy. I kept thinking I would come back when I felt more prepared, or more like myself, or less tired. I kept waiting for “later,” and then later became a habit . 🫥 Eventually I started avoiding social contact in real life too. It was easier to stay home. Easier not to explain myself. Easier to let the world keep moving without me for a while. 🏠 I don’t think I made a deliberate decision to disappear. I just kept taking one small step backward, and then another. Over the last half year or so, I’ve been taking anxiety medication , and it has really helped. 💊 It hasn’t magically fixed ...

I keep feeling that I want and need to write more, but then I have trouble getting myself to do it. I know I should make it a habit to write a little each day and build up, but even that little bit is difficult. I somehow sense that I'm afraid? Afraid of where things might lead? But that seems silly... I've been having a growing sense of moving away from things. I feel like I'm going to eventually move away from participating on FoL. And even Discord in general maybe. I don't go there much anymore. But where will I go? I know I need connections... My life is a swirl of possibilities right now. I feel hopeful, yet also hesitant. I don't want to put my hopes too much into anything. Everytime I do, I find that something comes up and either gets in the way or completely destroys what I had. Yet I must move on. I must keep going and hoping and making steps however I can. It will all build up and lead to something, right? It must.

I decided it was time to change my profile pic again. This is a beautiful drawing by Nixeu of Ashe from League of Legends.

I just realized that I haven't been getting any email notifications about comments on my blog. I see that I've missed lots of them and need to go through them soon. It looks like the setting for getting email notifications was disabled for some reason, which is pretty stupid. I also need to get back into writing more regularly. Not sure why I've been feeling reluctant to write. Though at the same time I feel eager to get my thoughts out. Weird.

I've been pondering a lot about what I live for. What gives meaning to my life? That seems like an important question to answer. Yet sometimes it feels like a trick question that will absorb all your time trying to figure out. That maybe it is best to just do what you can with little things in daily life and little wins here and there and not worry about that big question. Sometimes I think I have an answer and it motivates me for a time. Maybe not always the full answer, but I get a feeling like I'm on the verge of knowing the answer and if I just pursue it down a certain path, it will become more and more clear. But then things overtake me and I soon forget where I'm going. Is it getting any better the longer I live? I have this hope and faith that it is. So even though I've failed so many times in the past, I have become more experience and wise hopefully that when I get on the path again, I'm be better prepared to follow through. And that will my experience and ...

First post of the year Mind is such a clutter Still trying to figure out the best way to sort through everything Keep needing to force myself to take things a piece at a time Finished watching Rings of Power a few days ago Last episode of the season felt rushed Overall I still enjoyed the series Probably will watch season 2 when that comes out Guitar learning has improved after switching to new tutorial videos Started playing Guild Wars 2 Huge install Just trying it out since I heard positive things about this MMO Not sure that I'll continue Find myself getting bored easily with games now Maybe not bored exactly, but just questioning whether they are worth playing Still avoiding a number of social interactions Though did successfully navigate a difficult conversation yesterday

Watched movie Everything Everywhere All At Once Still trying to process what it means to me Particularly liked a part where one character talked about how others might see him as weak However he uses kindness and positivity as his way to fight against despair in the universe Started playing Diablo 3 again a little Christmas weekend went okay

Listened to meditation about anxiety Talked about how anxiety is something people get used to Sometimes felt each day for years Worried about losing it and not knowing what to replace it with Better the devil you know than the one you don't I feel this way sometimes Feel superstitious that if I don't have the anxiety, then things will go badly That the anxiety is what keeps me safe or makes things work out Created above character using AI art tool Ran out of images from free trial Need to decide if I want to do more Love the potential Still pondering Misc game for FoL

Knew I hadn't written for a while, but didn't realize 2 weeks Busy thinking about other things I guess Life going okay overall though Preparing to talk to counselor online Nervous about this Still need to reply to people! Completed another Forum Mafia game on FoL Subbed into it Want to write more about it in separate post Reading Cytonic by Brandon Sanderson Book 3 of the Skyward series

Yesterday's blowup ended up better than expected Things going okay I guess Still worried as usual Trying to get better about that How do I get to the point where I am okay with conflict? Or with uncertainty? Or even thrive on uncertainty? Scares me when I see about crimes or accidents happening Especially when close to our area How can I become more like a Stoic with events like these? I need to learn from things yet not let them overwhelm me with fear or other emotions that aren't helpful Wish I could be more helpful to my nieces with various issues in their lives I hate when I can't really do anything other than listen Though I know that listening is helpful still I do wish to become more of a guide

We (Town) won the invitational game on FoL! 🙂 Pathologic Invitational - TOWN VICTORY!! - Forum Games / Completed - Fortress of Lies Really need to update my FM game list Working through slight depression Working through long-term ways to handle life Need to reply to people Heard about new TV series called Wednesday Based on Addams Family Backing up couple games on FoL Not sure how ready I am to start game again Want to play, but also not wanting to move too quickly into it Big issue blowing up now 😟

Tired, although I slept longer Maybe depression? Probably depression from family issues Trying to focus on being thankful for what I have Started reading ReDawn by Brandon Sanderson Novella in the Skyward series Recalled today that I may have forgotten to reply to Jun Need to check my Discord again soon Not really feeling like looking there Don't think I can handle more Why do I make things so difficult? What's wrong with me? Sometimes wish I could just be a spirit that helps people in the background Watch people from a distance Help them out at times when hope is lost Be close yet far at the same time Be involved in their lives and helping, yet keep myself apart

Trying to be positive and thankful Almost finished reading Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything by Viktor Frankl Still learning guitar Feels like slow progress Getting better at the 3 chords I'm working on Fingers don't hurt as much Still hard to switch between them Trying to get through little tasks Finished up some tasks that were tugging at me Want to chat more with people Though also afraid for some reason Feel afraid of starting things up? Feel afraid that I can't consistently reply? Why should this matter so much? Again, I think mostly I'm just afraid of having too much to think about Yet I need a release When things are going smoothly, I'm afraid to make waves Yet that is probably when I should be taking more chances I need to make myself more comfortable with confrontation And with choices and making decisions

Finished reading Hero on a Mission by Donald Miller Rated 4/5 Felt inspirational and I considered rating this higher Still need to go through the worksheets for this, which will be the real test Special family event tonight Going to be busy weekend for Thanksgiving

Day going by so quickly Almost forgot to write here Frustration and hope mixed together a lot lately Reading a little Need more time to read I'm thankful for life Can't believe the year is almost over as well Should I plan out next year? Want more time for HOAM Wrote a little on Friday

Felt so tired this morning Starting to wake up Had to take it slowly Continuing to learn guitar Feels like progressing slowly Going to keep at it though Starting to turn things around Feeling better about the day Want to get around to some deep thinking Still loving AI art Want to take some time to read about it Saw video about using a tool to create self-portraits

Remember, the key to accomplishing something big is to stay focused on what you're trying to bring into the world and putting a little something on the plot every day. ― Donald Miller How in the world do some people write so much so quickly? Wish I was a better writer I know part of it is simply practice Just doing it as a routine and gradually getting better I'll keep up with this journaling at least Keep viewing AI art Amazed still by what I see Want to get into using it Not exactly sure what I need to do I have some ideas of how to use AI art for my potential projects Reading! Can I get to it today? Found myself aggravated yesterday by someone's ridiculous request Not sure whether to just give in and do it to smooth things over Or whether to push back so this doesn't continue in the future Still disappointed in myself for letting it get to me more than it should I should be more calm about these things Keep finding myself wasting time Still trying to figure out best ...

Aaahhhh, it can be so frustrating working with idiotic people! 🙂 Seems like this can't be avoided anywhere in life Keep needing to remind myself to not let it get to me Though hypocrites are worse And people who are stubborn just because they want to pick a fight I'm the type of person who always wants to find a solution and try to make things work out best for everyone Too busy today to stop and think of what else to write

Love this artwork from Nixeu, so using it for my profile pic. I believe it is a character named Ei from Genshin Impact.

Been wondering how I feel about this new AI art phenomenon Some images are so cool So much potential Heard that some artists use these as starting points and then fix them up But does knowing that these are AI art reduce the appeal? I do think somewhat less of them than if a human had made them Yet at the same time, I do feel fascinated that AI could produce these just from text WindwardAway chatted with me about fencing She was surprised that I was into fencing Sounds like she has done historical fencing with rapiers and longswords Would be cool to do something like that in the future Going to sign up for another game on 17th Shard Kind of an experimental FM game