Lost Whyspers

It’s been a long time since I wrote here. The last post was in 2023, which feels strange to even type. ⏳ A lot has happened since then, although I’m not sure I know how to summarize it neatly. Anxiety , mostly. Some other life issues. A slow tendency to recede from things instead of reaching toward them. 🌧️ At first it was online spaces. I stopped replying to messages. I avoided communities I used to enjoy. I kept thinking I would come back when I felt more prepared, or more like myself, or less tired. I kept waiting for “later,” and then later became a habit . 🫥 Eventually I started avoiding social contact in real life too. It was easier to stay home. Easier not to explain myself. Easier to let the world keep moving without me for a while. 🏠 I don’t think I made a deliberate decision to disappear. I just kept taking one small step backward, and then another. Over the last half year or so, I’ve been taking anxiety medication , and it has really helped. 💊 It hasn’t magically fixed ...

I've been pondering a lot about what I live for. What gives meaning to my life? That seems like an important question to answer. Yet sometimes it feels like a trick question that will absorb all your time trying to figure out. That maybe it is best to just do what you can with little things in daily life and little wins here and there and not worry about that big question. Sometimes I think I have an answer and it motivates me for a time. Maybe not always the full answer, but I get a feeling like I'm on the verge of knowing the answer and if I just pursue it down a certain path, it will become more and more clear. But then things overtake me and I soon forget where I'm going. Is it getting any better the longer I live? I have this hope and faith that it is. So even though I've failed so many times in the past, I have become more experience and wise hopefully that when I get on the path again, I'm be better prepared to follow through. And that will my experience and ...

First post of the year Mind is such a clutter Still trying to figure out the best way to sort through everything Keep needing to force myself to take things a piece at a time Finished watching Rings of Power a few days ago Last episode of the season felt rushed Overall I still enjoyed the series Probably will watch season 2 when that comes out Guitar learning has improved after switching to new tutorial videos Started playing Guild Wars 2 Huge install Just trying it out since I heard positive things about this MMO Not sure that I'll continue Find myself getting bored easily with games now Maybe not bored exactly, but just questioning whether they are worth playing Still avoiding a number of social interactions Though did successfully navigate a difficult conversation yesterday

I want to be good at things. I want to put my effort into trying something and learning to be better. However, I still feel this hesitation for some reason. I've believed this was a hesitation related to realizing that I can never be perfect at something, so part of me feels it useless to even try. Why is that? Over the years I've realized every so often that I just have to let it go. Have to let go of the desire for perfection. Even for thinking that things could ever be perfect in any given area of life, like safety or comfort or anything. Yet even though I realize the obviousness of this, I still find that there is a part of me wishing that it could be otherwise. I do wish for there to be some master plan behind everything. That there is someone in control who knows what they are doing. That life is a story that has a plot and will have a good conclusion.

Past midnight so guess I'll set this for next day Hectic schedule lately Preparations for moving Get togethers with family Running errands and helping others Still feel so bad that I'm avoiding social interactions I really want to say something Getting harder and harder to come back Realize I like the simple interactions with people from FoL Sometimes I do wish I could talk more with someone though Watched Top Gun: Maverick Enjoyed it a lot Simple story with human emotions and interactions Good story of fighting against the odds Sometimes simple is good Playing Diablo 3 recently Again, simple fighting against hordes of monsters Love my wizard character Love her voice and personality

Certain person bringing me down as usual Going to try not letting it affect me too much Trying not to let anger overtake me Trying not to let myself dwell on unfairness So much unfairness in life when you think about it Made quick mindmap of things I should focus on Got to take little steps Thinking about how I feel when I see things in the social realm Find that I'm too judgmental at times Trying to be more empathic Training myself to realize that there is so much I don't know Lots of stories I've been reading have that element to them When I dwell on how the world is so confusing and sheer madness, I get depressed Trying to train myself to just accept this as how things are To learn to navigate in this situation Need to become anti-fragile Reading good stories helps Eager to continue with Skyward Other day found myself really lucky for double checking something Someone made a mistake that would have cost me a lot of frustration I almost didn't bother checking because ...

My life is a blur Don't know what to make of it sometimes Feel so out of control Feel like things just keep coming at me See a light of hope sometimes See a way out of the storm Can I make my way out? Reading Harrow the Ninth Feeling more into it this time around Watching Avatar again One of my favorite movies Feel so frustrated and angry sometimes Need time out periods Need time for meditation Need to gain perspective So many hopes and dreams still Do I even attempt them?

Noticed that things keep hitting me from multiple angles to discourage me Like even current events in news Then political discussions I read Then just opinions people express that don't seem thought out Then little problems here and there in daily life Like things breaking Things causing problems So much all conspiring to take me out Also the constant input even if "good for me" Working on adding user avatars to posts on FoL Archive Keeping track of post counts Might put together guessing game

Feel like I'm on the cusp of falling into despair again If pause and think, realize this is absurd Not enough to despair about Big part is probably how tired I am Also, just suddenly received unexpected demands Still have lots of other demands on my time Delaying tasks All building up to dangerous levels Up to this point, relatively proud of how I've been handling emotions Successful at stopping myself from dwelling too much on things I can't do much about Making myself move forward with action when doubting myself Feeling in the flow Feeling okay about skipping things temporarily Feeling optimistic about future Meditation has helped Reading has helped Podcasts have helped Music has helped Socializing has helped

Lots to get done this week Working on preparing better Feeling so old as I get closer and closer to 40 Feel like I'm running out of time Joined FM game on FoL Been feeling like joining a game for awhile Not many backups needed recently Thought I should join this game based on an anime Didn't think any other upcoming ones looked as enjoyable Set up custom search engine for FoL Archive through Yandex FoL Search Guy on Fiverr had mentioned Yandex So far Yandex indexing pages better than Google Easier settings for customizing things Also tried Bing search console again Looks like it might work better than before Watched Chrissy from Against The Current on Twitch some more chrissyofficial She started playing Lost Ark, which released recently Really wish I could play that MMO Avoiding doing so since I know it would require lots of time

Still snappish? Am I going downhill? Sometimes I have this wild thought that maybe I'm undergoing rehab Like maybe I'm in a simulation or reincarnated life Maybe I've placed myself or was forcibly placed into this situation That I need to learn how to become a better person Or maybe that I'm training myself to become ready to take a role with power I think I would do that to myself Makes sense in order to avoid becoming corrupted by power later Should I try out Mobile Legends again? Maybe it's a good release? Yesterday I finally made headway on a problem Wrote out all the various scenarios and results That helped see the bigger picture Also had thoughts that my life may be like one of those background stories for an evil character Like the movie Maleficent Where it shows how the character was once good and how they turned evil Or maybe they aren't evil but completely misunderstood and thought to be evil Sometimes people say those types of stories kind of make ev...

Oh my God! I finally got a chance to read the preview sample for  Never Say You Can't Survive: How to Get Through Hard Times by Making Up Stories . It was totally speaking to me. Then not very far in, I found out that the author is the same author who wrote Victories Greater Than Death . That's a young adult sci-fi novel I recently started reading. Now I realize that this explains the coincidence of why the book came up in my email recently. But this doesn't explain the coincidence of why I picked up a sci-fi novel that happens to be written by someone who writes about how using stories to escape from reality is a good thing. Something which I've been considering and wanting more input about. Anyway, I need to get back to other things. I just had to write something quickly before this got lost in the stream. I'm including some passages I highlighted while reading the introduction of the book. Putting any kind of story together makes you a god in your own private uni...