Lost Whyspers

Since writing my last post, I’ve been trying to take a few more small steps back into things. One of those steps was joining a mafia game on 17th Shard. It’s called QF80 -  In Pursuit of Harmony , and it’s my first game in about four years. 🗡️✨ I was nervous about it. There are a lot of people, a lot of rules, and a lot of opportunities to say something awkward or disappear again. But a Quick Fix game felt like a manageable way to try. There’s a structure to it. A shared story. A reason to show up and say something. I’m playing a Malwish summit aide who keeps track of negotiations, remembers details, and notices the people everyone else overlooks. That part felt very easy to understand. 📚👀 I’m still remembering how to participate. Still figuring out when to speak, how much to say, and how to let myself enjoy being around people again. But I’m there. I’m posting. I’m asking questions. I’m trying to follow the conversation even when my brain tells me I’m probably doing everything ...

It’s been a long time since I wrote here. The last post was in 2023, which feels strange to even type. ⏳ A lot has happened since then, although I’m not sure I know how to summarize it neatly. Anxiety , mostly. Some other life issues. A slow tendency to recede from things instead of reaching toward them. 🌧️ At first it was online spaces. I stopped replying to messages. I avoided communities I used to enjoy. I kept thinking I would come back when I felt more prepared, or more like myself, or less tired. I kept waiting for “later,” and then later became a habit . 🫥 Eventually I started avoiding social contact in real life too. It was easier to stay home. Easier not to explain myself. Easier to let the world keep moving without me for a while. 🏠 I don’t think I made a deliberate decision to disappear. I just kept taking one small step backward, and then another. Over the last half year or so, I’ve been taking anxiety medication , and it has really helped. 💊 It hasn’t magically fixed ...

I keep feeling that I want and need to write more, but then I have trouble getting myself to do it. I know I should make it a habit to write a little each day and build up, but even that little bit is difficult. I somehow sense that I'm afraid? Afraid of where things might lead? But that seems silly... I've been having a growing sense of moving away from things. I feel like I'm going to eventually move away from participating on FoL. And even Discord in general maybe. I don't go there much anymore. But where will I go? I know I need connections... My life is a swirl of possibilities right now. I feel hopeful, yet also hesitant. I don't want to put my hopes too much into anything. Everytime I do, I find that something comes up and either gets in the way or completely destroys what I had. Yet I must move on. I must keep going and hoping and making steps however I can. It will all build up and lead to something, right? It must.

Keep avoiding writing for some reason Making myself just jot down a quick list so this doesn't continue Want to write more fully soon Still avoiding Discord and most social interaction Why do I keep avoiding people instead of reaching out? I know I need to talk more I know I don't need to expect people to solve my problems I know I should focus on other people to take away my self-centered focus on my own problems I think part of the issue is that I don't want to disappoint others I don't want to feel responsible Excited about Brandon Sanderson's Secret Project #2 Listening to audiobook for Murderbot book 1 Not really feeling like playing much Watched Andor TV series recently and enjoyed it

Replied to Sassy Messaged me on my birthday last month Sounds like she is going through struggles Feel bad that I didn't see the message sooner and reply Sounds like she wants to talk about her struggles Not sure I'm someone who can really help since I don't handle my own struggles very well However I do certainly understand the need to talk about things with people I don't do that very well myself though Replied to Shade Really has been too long since I said anything He was kind to message me I do see that he's been streaming on Twitch most nights Someday maybe I'll drop in and watch while he's live Worked on getting done with a number of little tasks Feels good Reading less than usual Think I need to get into a novel again Playing Marvel Snap and Othercide lately Still don't think I'm ready to play Forum Mafia again

Longer I stop writing, the harder it is to get back into it Thought about writing something in long form, but going to stick with this bullet journal for the time being Reading Things That Matter lately Really loved reading Tress of the Emerald Sea recently Written by Brandon Sanderson and part of the Cosmere Started playing Marvel SNAP Cool to play in short bursts Also started playing Othercide Cool theme and atmosphere Finished with Project CT recently

I decided it was time to change my profile pic again. This is a beautiful drawing by Nixeu of Ashe from League of Legends.