Lost Whyspers

It’s been a long time since I wrote here. The last post was in 2023, which feels strange to even type. ⏳ A lot has happened since then, although I’m not sure I know how to summarize it neatly. Anxiety , mostly. Some other life issues. A slow tendency to recede from things instead of reaching toward them. 🌧️ At first it was online spaces. I stopped replying to messages. I avoided communities I used to enjoy. I kept thinking I would come back when I felt more prepared, or more like myself, or less tired. I kept waiting for “later,” and then later became a habit . 🫥 Eventually I started avoiding social contact in real life too. It was easier to stay home. Easier not to explain myself. Easier to let the world keep moving without me for a while. 🏠 I don’t think I made a deliberate decision to disappear. I just kept taking one small step backward, and then another. Over the last half year or so, I’ve been taking anxiety medication , and it has really helped. 💊 It hasn’t magically fixed ...

Keep avoiding writing for some reason Making myself just jot down a quick list so this doesn't continue Want to write more fully soon Still avoiding Discord and most social interaction Why do I keep avoiding people instead of reaching out? I know I need to talk more I know I don't need to expect people to solve my problems I know I should focus on other people to take away my self-centered focus on my own problems I think part of the issue is that I don't want to disappoint others I don't want to feel responsible Excited about Brandon Sanderson's Secret Project #2 Listening to audiobook for Murderbot book 1 Not really feeling like playing much Watched Andor TV series recently and enjoyed it

Replied to Sassy Messaged me on my birthday last month Sounds like she is going through struggles Feel bad that I didn't see the message sooner and reply Sounds like she wants to talk about her struggles Not sure I'm someone who can really help since I don't handle my own struggles very well However I do certainly understand the need to talk about things with people I don't do that very well myself though Replied to Shade Really has been too long since I said anything He was kind to message me I do see that he's been streaming on Twitch most nights Someday maybe I'll drop in and watch while he's live Worked on getting done with a number of little tasks Feels good Reading less than usual Think I need to get into a novel again Playing Marvel Snap and Othercide lately Still don't think I'm ready to play Forum Mafia again

I've been pondering a lot about what I live for. What gives meaning to my life? That seems like an important question to answer. Yet sometimes it feels like a trick question that will absorb all your time trying to figure out. That maybe it is best to just do what you can with little things in daily life and little wins here and there and not worry about that big question. Sometimes I think I have an answer and it motivates me for a time. Maybe not always the full answer, but I get a feeling like I'm on the verge of knowing the answer and if I just pursue it down a certain path, it will become more and more clear. But then things overtake me and I soon forget where I'm going. Is it getting any better the longer I live? I have this hope and faith that it is. So even though I've failed so many times in the past, I have become more experience and wise hopefully that when I get on the path again, I'm be better prepared to follow through. And that will my experience and ...

First post of the year Mind is such a clutter Still trying to figure out the best way to sort through everything Keep needing to force myself to take things a piece at a time Finished watching Rings of Power a few days ago Last episode of the season felt rushed Overall I still enjoyed the series Probably will watch season 2 when that comes out Guitar learning has improved after switching to new tutorial videos Started playing Guild Wars 2 Huge install Just trying it out since I heard positive things about this MMO Not sure that I'll continue Find myself getting bored easily with games now Maybe not bored exactly, but just questioning whether they are worth playing Still avoiding a number of social interactions Though did successfully navigate a difficult conversation yesterday

Tired, although I slept longer Maybe depression? Probably depression from family issues Trying to focus on being thankful for what I have Started reading ReDawn by Brandon Sanderson Novella in the Skyward series Recalled today that I may have forgotten to reply to Jun Need to check my Discord again soon Not really feeling like looking there Don't think I can handle more Why do I make things so difficult? What's wrong with me? Sometimes wish I could just be a spirit that helps people in the background Watch people from a distance Help them out at times when hope is lost Be close yet far at the same time Be involved in their lives and helping, yet keep myself apart

Trying to be positive and thankful Almost finished reading Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything by Viktor Frankl Still learning guitar Feels like slow progress Getting better at the 3 chords I'm working on Fingers don't hurt as much Still hard to switch between them Trying to get through little tasks Finished up some tasks that were tugging at me Want to chat more with people Though also afraid for some reason Feel afraid of starting things up? Feel afraid that I can't consistently reply? Why should this matter so much? Again, I think mostly I'm just afraid of having too much to think about Yet I need a release When things are going smoothly, I'm afraid to make waves Yet that is probably when I should be taking more chances I need to make myself more comfortable with confrontation And with choices and making decisions

Finished watching Edge of Tomorrow Probably my 4th time or so Love the movie Replied to Silviu on FoL about advice for living life and combating depression Hmmmm, not sure if this is a call for advice from “old people”. 🙂 Though I was delighted to learn recently that Leafia is actually a couple years older than me. 🙂 A lot of your advice is spot on. Though I suppose a lot of it is the regular stuff you hear about drinking water and sleeping well and all. Everyone hears that they should do those things, but people still don’t necessarily heed it. Haha, I still tend to drink lots of coffee instead of pure water. 🙂 But one item you mentioned was something I’d like to emphasize. Taking up hobbies is definitely something that helps add vigor into your life. There was a time when I basically did nothing for hobbies. People would ask, “So what do you do in your free time? Do you have any hobbies?” and I’d be like “Ummmm, yeah, well, I like reading… and listening to podcasts…” 🙂 A rea...

Why do some people make things more difficult than they need to be??? Can I find some uninterrupted time to finish up a task? EDIT: I finished this up and it was much easier than expected 🙂 Getting somewhat better at playing a couple chords correctly on guitar Still difficult to switch quickly between them Find myself wanting to slip into despair Keeping my spirits up as best as I can Keeping in mind my quest Brainstorming ideas for RPG motivation app or website Something I've been thinking about for a long time I have thoughts of what would help me Wish it were easier to get thoughts into the real world I feel like there is still something in my mind that needs to get out Oh, I think a new Mistborn book was released Man, I need to update my FM game list Doing better at updating the FoL game list than my own 🙂

Feel weird depression trying to take hold When I look at my list of things to do, it is huge I could easily fall into despair At the same time, I know there will be a way to manage all this And even if I can't, I know that it all doesn't really matter so much Life will move on What's important to focus on? Stories Don't forget to enjoy stories Don't forget to give life stories Started learning guitar I've wanted to do so for some time Assassin in the Palace game finished on FoL Quite short Zone was the assassin and won He was correctly executed the second day, but correctly chose Magnus as the King for his target AI Upick FM game starting on FoL soon Hopefully I can manage it Kind of tired today Had distractions late last night

Halloween was enjoyable last night Glad my nieces got to experience it while still young enough Keep trying to remind myself not to dwell too much on difficulties Don't make things bigger than they are Also keep reminding myself of all the struggles I've overcome I'm so thankful for that Also so many things could have been much worse and yet weren't Think I'm kind of tired Probably should be getting more sleep Lately I've been staying up longer than I should Why do I get stuck so much? Even for little things that I know aren't so bad? I can sense it is mainly that I'm worried about all the possibilities All the possible problems that might stem from the one step I just feel so tired and don't want to have to deal with more Even thinking about more issues I don't want to deal with that sometimes Even when they are all little things when it comes down to it I really do need to exercise my ability to make decisions I think the above image was create...

Listening to philosophy podcasts Philosophize This! #126 - Gilles Deleuze pt. 2 - Immanence Existential Stoic Podcast - "The Republic" by Plato Existential Stoic Podcast - Reevaluating Suffering & Stress Jordan B. Peterson Podcast 291 - How to Combat Hedonism | Dr. Peter Kreeft Sunday Stoic 292: Memorize the Stoics with Dr. Kevin Vost Still struggling with balancing hope and despair Considering playing game like RimWorld or Stellaris Seem popular among FoL members Started playing tennis again Oh yeah, it's Halloween today 🙂 Made me recall times in Mobile Legends Miss those times somewhat, yet know I shouldn't return to that Couple more games starting up on FoL Chair of Deception game unfortunately canned since not enough players Not sure if I should join one or both of these new games EDIT: Adding note after listening to Jordan Peterson podcast mentioned above Dr. Kreeft says something about how our free will is all interconnected Good choice you make now will ...

Not sure that I have much to say, but want to keep up the writing habit Trying to start practicing fencing a bit on my own Thought about looking for videos on YouTube Think I just need more familiarity with movements to be more comfortable Got done with some errands I'd been putting off Still more to do Still struggling with depression once in a while Again, think I need to establish more routines Also need to take on more challenges and be open to difficulties Need more reading! Why do I keep putting this aside? Still feeling urge to play something Yet still feel hesitant to start anything Kind of worried about getting interrupted all the time

Feel like I should write routinely Still not sure what to write about though Feel like my thoughts are too much in a jumble Saw Facebook post for friend J Saw post about visiting majestic bodies of water Hope he's enjoying his travels Making slow progress on projects Worried about upcoming projects Worried about the unexpected as usual Trying to be positive and focus on good things now Trying to keep a heroic mindset Stuck, stuck, stuck Why do I keep going in circles? Ahhhh, why can't I be left alone? I realize that sometimes the only way I get anything done is to get thrown into it or to throw myself into it in a moment of impulse

Feeling very sad and depressed over losing someone in my family Very unexpected Not sure how to process this Other events going so-so No critical items Still hard to focus with so many little things yet Started reading Hero on a Mission Excellent so far Talks a lot about Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl Want time to focus and think about this book Seems like a good practical guide for what I've been seeking

Got into another crazy busy phase Time passed by quickly Looks like I went 3 weeks or so without blogging or using Discord Again not sure if ready to take on more inputs Feel hopeful things will settle down soon Worried about October and November though Worried about winter too I guess 🙂 Worried about everything! 🙂 Want to play again Want to play Forum Mafia Want to play mobile games Want to play MMOs Need to get back into reading Need to push through and survive

Past midnight so guess I'll set this for next day Hectic schedule lately Preparations for moving Get togethers with family Running errands and helping others Still feel so bad that I'm avoiding social interactions I really want to say something Getting harder and harder to come back Realize I like the simple interactions with people from FoL Sometimes I do wish I could talk more with someone though Watched Top Gun: Maverick Enjoyed it a lot Simple story with human emotions and interactions Good story of fighting against the odds Sometimes simple is good Playing Diablo 3 recently Again, simple fighting against hordes of monsters Love my wizard character Love her voice and personality

Certain person bringing me down as usual Going to try not letting it affect me too much Trying not to let anger overtake me Trying not to let myself dwell on unfairness So much unfairness in life when you think about it Made quick mindmap of things I should focus on Got to take little steps Thinking about how I feel when I see things in the social realm Find that I'm too judgmental at times Trying to be more empathic Training myself to realize that there is so much I don't know Lots of stories I've been reading have that element to them When I dwell on how the world is so confusing and sheer madness, I get depressed Trying to train myself to just accept this as how things are To learn to navigate in this situation Need to become anti-fragile Reading good stories helps Eager to continue with Skyward Other day found myself really lucky for double checking something Someone made a mistake that would have cost me a lot of frustration I almost didn't bother checking because ...