Lost Whyspers

I keep feeling that I want and need to write more, but then I have trouble getting myself to do it. I know I should make it a habit to write a little each day and build up, but even that little bit is difficult. I somehow sense that I'm afraid? Afraid of where things might lead? But that seems silly... I've been having a growing sense of moving away from things. I feel like I'm going to eventually move away from participating on FoL. And even Discord in general maybe. I don't go there much anymore. But where will I go? I know I need connections... My life is a swirl of possibilities right now. I feel hopeful, yet also hesitant. I don't want to put my hopes too much into anything. Everytime I do, I find that something comes up and either gets in the way or completely destroys what I had. Yet I must move on. I must keep going and hoping and making steps however I can. It will all build up and lead to something, right? It must.

Keep avoiding writing for some reason Making myself just jot down a quick list so this doesn't continue Want to write more fully soon Still avoiding Discord and most social interaction Why do I keep avoiding people instead of reaching out? I know I need to talk more I know I don't need to expect people to solve my problems I know I should focus on other people to take away my self-centered focus on my own problems I think part of the issue is that I don't want to disappoint others I don't want to feel responsible Excited about Brandon Sanderson's Secret Project #2 Listening to audiobook for Murderbot book 1 Not really feeling like playing much Watched Andor TV series recently and enjoyed it

Replied to Sassy Messaged me on my birthday last month Sounds like she is going through struggles Feel bad that I didn't see the message sooner and reply Sounds like she wants to talk about her struggles Not sure I'm someone who can really help since I don't handle my own struggles very well However I do certainly understand the need to talk about things with people I don't do that very well myself though Replied to Shade Really has been too long since I said anything He was kind to message me I do see that he's been streaming on Twitch most nights Someday maybe I'll drop in and watch while he's live Worked on getting done with a number of little tasks Feels good Reading less than usual Think I need to get into a novel again Playing Marvel Snap and Othercide lately Still don't think I'm ready to play Forum Mafia again

Going way too long without writing Wanted to write out something long about recent thoughts Settled on doing a bullet list for now Still need to get around to reading comments on my blog Still need to get around to logging into Discord again Still need to get around to communicating with friends Still need to write Still have so much I want to read Currently reading  Tress of the Emerald Sea  by Brandon Sanderson Also started reading  Things That Matter: Overcoming Distraction to Pursue a More Meaningful Life  by Joshua Becker Watching some Classroom of the Elite  anime recently So many thoughts in my head

I just realized that I haven't been getting any email notifications about comments on my blog. I see that I've missed lots of them and need to go through them soon. It looks like the setting for getting email notifications was disabled for some reason, which is pretty stupid. I also need to get back into writing more regularly. Not sure why I've been feeling reluctant to write. Though at the same time I feel eager to get my thoughts out. Weird.

First post of the year Mind is such a clutter Still trying to figure out the best way to sort through everything Keep needing to force myself to take things a piece at a time Finished watching Rings of Power a few days ago Last episode of the season felt rushed Overall I still enjoyed the series Probably will watch season 2 when that comes out Guitar learning has improved after switching to new tutorial videos Started playing Guild Wars 2 Huge install Just trying it out since I heard positive things about this MMO Not sure that I'll continue Find myself getting bored easily with games now Maybe not bored exactly, but just questioning whether they are worth playing Still avoiding a number of social interactions Though did successfully navigate a difficult conversation yesterday

Knew I hadn't written for a while, but didn't realize 2 weeks Busy thinking about other things I guess Life going okay overall though Preparing to talk to counselor online Nervous about this Still need to reply to people! Completed another Forum Mafia game on FoL Subbed into it Want to write more about it in separate post Reading Cytonic by Brandon Sanderson Book 3 of the Skyward series

Yesterday's blowup ended up better than expected Things going okay I guess Still worried as usual Trying to get better about that How do I get to the point where I am okay with conflict? Or with uncertainty? Or even thrive on uncertainty? Scares me when I see about crimes or accidents happening Especially when close to our area How can I become more like a Stoic with events like these? I need to learn from things yet not let them overwhelm me with fear or other emotions that aren't helpful Wish I could be more helpful to my nieces with various issues in their lives I hate when I can't really do anything other than listen Though I know that listening is helpful still I do wish to become more of a guide

Tired, although I slept longer Maybe depression? Probably depression from family issues Trying to focus on being thankful for what I have Started reading ReDawn by Brandon Sanderson Novella in the Skyward series Recalled today that I may have forgotten to reply to Jun Need to check my Discord again soon Not really feeling like looking there Don't think I can handle more Why do I make things so difficult? What's wrong with me? Sometimes wish I could just be a spirit that helps people in the background Watch people from a distance Help them out at times when hope is lost Be close yet far at the same time Be involved in their lives and helping, yet keep myself apart

Trying to be positive and thankful Almost finished reading Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything by Viktor Frankl Still learning guitar Feels like slow progress Getting better at the 3 chords I'm working on Fingers don't hurt as much Still hard to switch between them Trying to get through little tasks Finished up some tasks that were tugging at me Want to chat more with people Though also afraid for some reason Feel afraid of starting things up? Feel afraid that I can't consistently reply? Why should this matter so much? Again, I think mostly I'm just afraid of having too much to think about Yet I need a release When things are going smoothly, I'm afraid to make waves Yet that is probably when I should be taking more chances I need to make myself more comfortable with confrontation And with choices and making decisions

Finished reading Hero on a Mission by Donald Miller Rated 4/5 Felt inspirational and I considered rating this higher Still need to go through the worksheets for this, which will be the real test Special family event tonight Going to be busy weekend for Thanksgiving

Remember, the key to accomplishing something big is to stay focused on what you're trying to bring into the world and putting a little something on the plot every day. ― Donald Miller How in the world do some people write so much so quickly? Wish I was a better writer I know part of it is simply practice Just doing it as a routine and gradually getting better I'll keep up with this journaling at least Keep viewing AI art Amazed still by what I see Want to get into using it Not exactly sure what I need to do I have some ideas of how to use AI art for my potential projects Reading! Can I get to it today? Found myself aggravated yesterday by someone's ridiculous request Not sure whether to just give in and do it to smooth things over Or whether to push back so this doesn't continue in the future Still disappointed in myself for letting it get to me more than it should I should be more calm about these things Keep finding myself wasting time Still trying to figure out best ...

Why do I let myself get aggravated easily in discussions or arguments? I do feel the need to correct people on mistakes Yet sometimes that doesn't really matter Especially if they aren't really receptive Often people have another point to continuing the discussion and don't really care about being correct I try to not let myself get clouded by the need to set things right I try to tell myself to look at the end goal of a conversation To also look at the end goal of a relationship with someone Will continuing to correct them help? If not, then just let it go Feeling so busy and slightly overwhelmed Though not too stressed Just lots to do and I'm trying to keep moving forward Slightly anxious about issues coming up, but doing okay This is probably a good state to be in overall Need to get more reading in Still meditating Believe this is helping Still putting in time to study Still taking time to exercise

Aaahhhh, it can be so frustrating working with idiotic people! 🙂 Seems like this can't be avoided anywhere in life Keep needing to remind myself to not let it get to me Though hypocrites are worse And people who are stubborn just because they want to pick a fight I'm the type of person who always wants to find a solution and try to make things work out best for everyone Too busy today to stop and think of what else to write

Finished watching Edge of Tomorrow Probably my 4th time or so Love the movie Replied to Silviu on FoL about advice for living life and combating depression Hmmmm, not sure if this is a call for advice from “old people”. 🙂 Though I was delighted to learn recently that Leafia is actually a couple years older than me. 🙂 A lot of your advice is spot on. Though I suppose a lot of it is the regular stuff you hear about drinking water and sleeping well and all. Everyone hears that they should do those things, but people still don’t necessarily heed it. Haha, I still tend to drink lots of coffee instead of pure water. 🙂 But one item you mentioned was something I’d like to emphasize. Taking up hobbies is definitely something that helps add vigor into your life. There was a time when I basically did nothing for hobbies. People would ask, “So what do you do in your free time? Do you have any hobbies?” and I’d be like “Ummmm, yeah, well, I like reading… and listening to podcasts…” 🙂 A rea...

Mix of good and bad news today Things are manageable overall Doing well in some games on BGA Got into Elite league for Martian Dice Managed to get into Gold league for Can't Stop Getting stuff done Yet still so much on my list Need to get back to more planning Still studying Chinese most days Meditating more recently Both love and hate that people depend on me Want to be needed Want to help out Yet also get frustrated sometimes when taken for granted Recently liking song called Silent Scream Anna Blue- Silent Scream (Official Music Video) - YouTube

Why do some people make things more difficult than they need to be??? Can I find some uninterrupted time to finish up a task? EDIT: I finished this up and it was much easier than expected 🙂 Getting somewhat better at playing a couple chords correctly on guitar Still difficult to switch quickly between them Find myself wanting to slip into despair Keeping my spirits up as best as I can Keeping in mind my quest Brainstorming ideas for RPG motivation app or website Something I've been thinking about for a long time I have thoughts of what would help me Wish it were easier to get thoughts into the real world I feel like there is still something in my mind that needs to get out Oh, I think a new Mistborn book was released Man, I need to update my FM game list Doing better at updating the FoL game list than my own 🙂

Feel weird depression trying to take hold When I look at my list of things to do, it is huge I could easily fall into despair At the same time, I know there will be a way to manage all this And even if I can't, I know that it all doesn't really matter so much Life will move on What's important to focus on? Stories Don't forget to enjoy stories Don't forget to give life stories Started learning guitar I've wanted to do so for some time Assassin in the Palace game finished on FoL Quite short Zone was the assassin and won He was correctly executed the second day, but correctly chose Magnus as the King for his target AI Upick FM game starting on FoL soon Hopefully I can manage it Kind of tired today Had distractions late last night

Feeling good this morning Things should be okay today Still want to get stuff done though Judicious use of rewards and compliments for good behavior Works even in difficult relationships Something heard from Jordan Peterson again in podcast Urgent issue came up Hopefully easy enough to handle

Another day, another struggle Trying to think about why I felt so good last night Probably something to do with it being the end of a day and nothing left required Yet I want to do more Just feel tired of all the struggles Yet shouldn't I be glad for those? More things to plan out Feels good that people are a little more talkative lately on FoL People submitting nominations for awards Still like that they introduced the anon feedback thing Keep getting this feeling like I want to write more Want to say more about how I feel But then I can't really think of what to write 🙂