Lost Whyspers

So what is it really that I'm seeking? I've been wondering that for a long time. If I'm honest with myself, I think this is part of the reason why I sought out Constantyne. I must have some hope that by going back in the past to my early days, maybe I'll hit upon some inspiration. Though I can't say for sure how much this will really help. Even back then, I was always seeking. However, I did feel more hopeful about the future during my teenage years. I felt that I was on a quest and that eventually I would find the right path. I need to tap into that hope again. Constantyne and others in Hallowed Crusaders were pretty much my best friends during those years. I spent so much time with them. They helped me escape the real world where I basically had no one to turn to. My mother and father were loving parents and good providers, but they weren't friends at all. I hardly spoke with them about my feelings. It was the same with my brother and sister. I got along fine ...

I had the impulse to reclaim the URL for the old website for Hallowed Crusaders , our guild in the days of Dark Age of Camelot and EverQuest . www.hallowedcrusaders.org I started with a basic website. I showed this to Constantyne, and we've been gradually remembering those days. I've been adding more and more to the website. He had shared with me a link to a Morgan Le Fay server photo album that was archived through the Wayback Machine . This gave me the idea to try seeing what was archived of our old website. Oh, I wasn't disappointed! There was some good stuff still there, including a guild roster and a logo banner (shown above). 😀 Now I've been thinking how this gives me the chance to fulfill my role as Cordylia the Minstrel by recording the history of our guild. I want to keep this website around to make it easier for other guild members to find out what's happened and to join us in remembering those days together. Ahhh memories. I've been feeling how imp...

It took a long time and trying out a bunch of things, but I finally managed to get into my Cordylia account for Dark Age of Camelot . Wow, it feels so surreal to play my first MMO character. I had started in 2001 when I was only 15 years old. So many precious memories from those good times. It really felt like living in a whole other world. I'm impressed that the account was still available and that I still had the login info for it. I didn't have access to my original email account, but fortunately the new company handling DAoC allowed me to create a new account with another email address and then link my game account. I did have to pay for a subscription to get access again, but that's okay. I just really wanted to see what it was like to be Cordylia again. It was a strange feeling to be logged in and all alone. It felt like being the last person alive. I had logged out last in the housing area, and it looks like all the housing was removed. It did mention that this was ...

Well, I did finally get in contact with Constantyne. I guess his guildmate did contact him about me. So we've been chatting and catching up. It is a good feeling. 😀 We've been talking about those days in Dark Age of Camelot and EverQuest . And what's been happening since then. Sounds like he still keeps in touch with a few people from back then. They even had a RL get together once at his place. I'm at a loss for more words at the moment, so keeping this short...

I'm pretty sure I found my old friend Constantyne from Dark Age of Camelot and EverQuest . I tracked him down to the Discord server for Project 1999 , which is a rebirth of the classic EverQuest . Apparently he use to play in that game, but hasn't been around for awhile according to one of his guildmates. Something about RL commitments. I was surprised that his guildmate actually replied. Very kind of him. He mentioned that some of those in his guild could SMS him. But I told him it wasn't urgent and I wouldn't feel right about asking someone to do that. I did mention my old name Cordylia in case he or someone else might go ahead and SMS him anyway. I'm impressed that he kept his old name after this many years. Haha. 😀

For some reason, I got the impulse to search out an old friend from my long-ago days playing online. I think I may have finally found him on Discord. I sent a message to him. But now I'm not sure if this is such a good idea. I'm sure he would be happy to have me contact him again. However, I have very mixed feelings about becoming friends with him again. For both our sakes. Hmmm, what will I do?

SPOILER ALERT! This contains spoilers for The Mandalorian . I finished watching season 1 of The Mandalorian . Pretty good. The stories are rather shallow, but I don't think the show tries to be much more than a light-hearted adventure. Baby Yoda is just great. He's definitely the draw to the show. But the Mandalorian himself is cool, too. I do find the Mandalorian code fascinating. All those types of knightly codes are fascinating. Though I wonder if I could truly follow them to the full extent. Sometimes the rules seem idiotic when faced with dire circumstances. But anyone who follows a code and pulls through is admirable. I've always valued loyalty. Yet as I've gotten older, I've started to question whether it is sensible. My family has always taught loyalty. But what does that mean? Does that mean condoning bad behavior? And shouldn't loyalty go both ways? So if a family member does something harmful to the family, aren't they no longer loyal? So do they ...

Wow, some people are just so frustrating to deal with. There's this one member of my Mistborn Clan whom I use to get along with fairly well. I had felt sorry for him and had allowed him to recruit other members so that he could form his own team. He talks a lot about being loyal to me and working hard at making a winning team. Yet I've had frustration after frustration with him. He doesn't seem to read instructions or other followup messages. He's constantly asking questions that have already been answered. Just today he's asking me about how to join the Discord server. It's already been a month since this was brought up. The last couple posts on the Facebook group are about how to join, and there were comments where it was discussed further when people had problems. It would be fine if he was asking a question for a particular problem he might be having. But there's no indication that he's put any effort into trying. And another frustration is that he...

SPOILER ALERT! This contains spoilers for No Game No Life . I finished reading book 3 of the light novels for No Game No Life . They just finished beating the Werebeasts at their game. This catches me up to the point where the anime series ends. So the next book will be the new stuff I've been looking forward to. The anime actually follows the light novels rather closely. I've been seeing more of the term isekai recently, which is the genre this series falls under. The term means "different world" in Japanese and refers to light novels, manga, and anime about characters that get transported to another world. I really like this genre. I suppose it is similar to LitRPG in many ways, which I also like when reading fiction.

I had so many things to think about today, that I never did get around to figuring out exactly what I wanted to write here. Haha. 😀 But I consider this a good feeling. Having lots of thoughts means that life isn't boring, right? 😀 I want to write about a couple anime topics next time, but I need to better form my thoughts. It's time for bed now.

It decided to do a quick giveaway event for the Mistborn Clan . There's an in-game event for getting the chance at skins. You get badges for recharging and spending diamonds. I recently received a COVID stimulus check from the US government, though my income wasn't really affected by the lockdown. So I decided I could do a bonus amount outside the regular monthly spending budget. People seemed really happy and appreciative. I like that feeling again. 😀 Though now something happened in real life that makes me consider how I'm compensating for the lack of appreciation I receive other places. Sometimes I just want to disconnect from all these toxic relationships. So frustrating...

I ended up deciding to take a nap first before anything else further. I really needed that. More stuff happened after that. It was good that I had taken time to rest. Now I'm mostly looking at organizing and cleaning various things. Also listening to podcasts and audiobooks. I think this is the best way to recover my sanity. 😀

I feel like my mind is such a jumble now. I really can't get myself to focus on anything. And I think I had thoughts yesterday evening and last night that I had wanted to think about further, but now I've forgotten them. I didn't have a chance to write them down or I had assumed they were important enough that I'd remember. So stupid. Always write something down as soon as possible. Hmm, I just need to pick something to focus on today. I hate that things can come up anytime and disrupt my plans though. That frustrates me to no end. I know that I'm suppose to be stoic and take things in stride. But it is so difficult. Maybe I just need to catch up on sleep today? I know that lack of sleep affects me like this. So maybe that's all it is.

I've been attempting to organize my thoughts on everything in my life. All the various tasks and goals and such. I'm experimenting with a spreadsheets and assigning ROIs on each item. I'll see if this helps clarify things for me. I keep changing how I organize my tasks and have never settled on something that seems quite right. And I would especially like to find a good way to clarify thoughts on future plans. I've kind of been experimenting with looking at various plans in terms of worldlines like in Steins;Gate . Kind of appealing, but not exactly sure how well it helps. But I'll see. So basically each major goal I have can be viewed as an event where worldlines converge. If I achieve the event, I am going along one worldline. But if I don't, then I'll be heading along another worldline. Though maybe I'm describing it incorrectly since the two results would mean the worldlines actually don't converge. Haha, either way, the important future events w...

I feel like I'm at a crossroads now with many paths radiating outward. I don't know which way to go. Sometimes I do just feel like giving up. I have to put up with so much negativity each day. Sometimes it just feels like such a burden to handle. Why fight it? Why try to help out where it looks like people aren't so enthused about the help? Sometimes I feel like my efforts just go to waste. The Habitica experiment is so-so. I guess it is fine as far as individual tracking. But the group involvement seems bland. I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but I certainly had hoped for more activity. Oh well. I'm not sure whether to go forward much with plans in the Mistborn Clan and Mobile Legends . Only a few people are really doing much on the Discord server. And after taking a break from playing recently, I don't feel so enthused about starting again. I'm actually considering trying out Dragon Raja or Age of Magic again to see how those feel. Dragon Raj...

I feel like I have a long road ahead of me, and that it will involve a lot of tough choices. I know that in the next year or two, my life will be changing a lot. I suppose it is always changing, but at this point I know big changes are coming. In some ways I'm grateful for this early realization. Yet I'm also depressed. I can see all the work and suffering this will involve. I'm having a tough time even getting little tasks done. I see so many tasks surrounding me, and it just makes me want to lay down and rest. To sleep and forget. But I know that's not helpful. I must forge ahead. I must be prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to continue.

I had to finally come out and tell a friend to stop whining. I can be mean sometimes, I know it. Especially around whining and whiners. I just can't stand it sometimes. I usually try to hold back and just let people say their thing. I know sometimes people do need to rant and get things out. But when the same person keeps it up, then I think it has to be stopped. Haha, plus recently maybe I've been channeling Kurisu Makise. 😀 So much of my family is made up of whiners. I hate it. That's why I often don't like being with them or talking with them. I can't completely shut them out of my life, but I try my best to limit my time around such negativity.

I updated my About Me page a bit. I went ahead and added more of my accounts just so I have them available in a central location. I hope that will be fine and that I don't get lots of spam or creepos bothering me. Haha. 😀

People's feelings are memories that transcend time. ― Makise Kurisu (Steins;Gate)

Well, I guess I couldn't help myself. 😀 I checked with the leader of our anime group in Habitica and got approval to start up some events with gem rewards. I just feel like doing something to help bring more activity and conversation to the party. For the first event, I kept it simple. I just suggested that people post their progress on watching anime or reading manga or light novels. After a few days, I'll randomly choose one of the participants to receive enough gems to buy a background for their character. So far I've seen a couple posts. We already had a few more active people, but I hope this will get more people to say something. And I've been trying to spur a little more conversation on anime I've seen people mention or that were on their anime list from MyAnimeList . And just bringing up this website got a couple people interested already. Cool! 😀

So I heard from my friend Muji that they are adding a Battle Royale mode into Dragon Raja . Very interesting. I mentioned to him my concern about how the game allows people to pump money into it to increase stats, and that the stats greatly affect the combat. He agreed that's a bad thing, but indicated that they are doing something to deal with that in this mode. If they truly balance it so that skill is a bigger factor than stats, then I'll be very tempted to try it out.

I was thinking a bit more about my post yesterday on memories. Really the situation of one person remembering something that another person doesn't remember can happen even in real life. When people discuss past events they've shared and one person doesn't seem to remember much about it, it can feel sad. Especially if you thought the event was significant. And then there are all the memories that I myself know that I've forgotten. When reviewing photos and videos of past events, I'm surprised at how much I've already forgotten. Is this a good thing? Is it good that we now have things like photos and videos to remind us of the past? Or would it be better that it were all forgotten? I've wondered about this. I think there's a sci-fi movie with Robin Williams where the premise is that everyone's memories are recorded somehow in their brain or some device. And then this can be reviewed later. Maybe it was reviewed after the person passed away and then a ...

SPOILER ALERT! This contains spoilers for Steins;Gate and Edge of Tomorrow . There was a point in Steins;Gate a few episodes ago (around episode 10 I think) where Mayuri and Okabe are discussing what might happen if someone were to transfer their memories to the past. Mayuri asked hypothetically what would happen if her memories went back in the past. If that happened, then they probably wouldn't even have this conversation about what would happen. So she asked if that means Okabe wouldn't remember this conversation at all. And he agreed that yeah, he probably wouldn't. Then Mayuri said that would make her cry. Okabe asked if she was crying for him with the implication that it was because he had lost the memories of the conversation. Then she said something like "No silly, I'd cry for me." She would cry for herself for being the only one to remember. That really hit me because it is something that has always saddened me about stories where time travel change...

Often in my chats with Archer, we talk about superpowers and what we'd wish for. Usually it results in the sensible yet boring desire for overpowered abilities like time control. But this time we played around with a list of limited and unusual powers, like Understand All Languages, Insect Control, and Waterbreathing. I would pick out three powers from the list that were relatively similar in power level and we'd discuss which one we'd choose. Kind of fun to think about it this way. Maybe we'll try it again sometime. 🙂 https://www.ign.com/lists/100-best-superpowers/ https://powerlisting.fandom.com/wiki/List_of_Supernatural_Powers_and_Abilities

Recently I started listening to a podcast called Popcorn Psychology . It is three psychologists who discuss various movies and analyze the characters for psychological disorders and therapy needs. It is quite interesting. There were a couple episodes about the Harry Potter movies. There's still a third one I haven't listened to yet. Originally I wasn't sure it would be all that interesting, but I thought I'd give it a try. I'm glad I did. Even when the characters are supernatural, they get into discussing real-world equivalent situations. For example, the Avengers in the Civil War movie acted like a dysfunctional family with Captain America and Iron Man as the parents. I think I'll continue to listen to the podcast once in awhile. I'm just picking and choosing certain movies instead of listening to them all.

Oh man, it's so hot today. It's been really hot for the last week or two. I find it difficult to want to do anything or go anywhere. I can't believe it isn't even summer yet. I dread what summer will bring. I had thought I'd gotten use to the Taiwan heat, but I guess maybe not. Hmm, what can I do to better cope with this? I'll have to consider some changes. It's not so bad once evening approaches.

SPOILER ALERT! This contains spoilers for Steins;Gate . Man, this Steins;Gate anime is getting truly exciting. I just finished episode 7. Still so much left to go in the season, but already it seems like it is heading to a finale. John Titor just asked Okabe, the main character, to be the world's savior. He somehow has the ability to retain memories across time lines. Haha, and I really love the interactions between the characters, especially between Okabe and Kurisu.

Since getting the Zerobooks app, I've been reading the light novels for No Game No Life . I had already watched the anime, and it's been a thrill reading the stories. I can still picture the scenes from the anime. I just finished book 1 today. I like watching the movie or shows for an anime story first so that I get a picture in my head of the characters. I know some people don't like that, but I do.

I just found an awesome app called Zerobooks that lets you download and read a variety of light novels and web novels. They have a lot of the light novels I've already read or wanted to read, like Sword Art Online and No Game No Life . I just downloaded all the ones for No Game No Life and started reading the first book. So cool! 😀 I went ahead and paid for the pro version since I know I'll get good use out of this app. Zerobooks (free ad-supported version) https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.zer0.admin.zer0bo0ks&hl=en Zerobooks Pro (paid ad-free version) https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.xer0.admin.zer0bo0ks&hl=en_US

SPOILER ALERT! This contains spoilers for Hatsukoi Losstime . I don't usually read manga, but I read this one recommended by my friend Scruffy. I liked the mixed of scientific theory and philosophy. It was interesting thinking about how reality might be shaped by our perceptions. I do think there's something to that idea. Hmm, I had originally thought I'd like to say more about this story, but I can't think of more. I did like that it ended on a happy note. I was seriously worried that this was the type of story that would end sadly to try to get the most impact. I'm not sure how it was that she went into a coma and survived the disease to then wake up later, but I'm glad for it. 🙂

I recently heard about an anime series called Steins;Gate . Apparently many of my friends have watched it before. Haha, and I had never even heard of it until a couple days ago. I watched the 1st episode tonight and was intrigued, so I think I'll continue with it as my next anime. I had originally thought I'd start watching season 3 of Sword Art Online , but I'll wait on that.

I like where things have been going with Habitica so far. Archer has been getting into it more now. He finally has a weapon, armor, and a pet. Haha! 😀 And actually he's currently a level higher than me. Good for him! I need to take some time to consider more habits and dailies to add. And I have to keep reminding myself to enter some tasks. I should at least enter the top 3 tasks for each day. And maybe I'll need to add weekly tasks. We'll see.

This morning went really well so far. I had to take care of some paperwork at a government office that I had been dreading doing for awhile now. Always worried that I overlooked something important and then have to go do additional work. Or get slapped with a fine for doing something wrong. But everything went smoothly. The lady who I met with was very nice and helpful. She answered all the questions I had. The paperwork went through and nothing unexpected happened. Great! 😀

SPOILER ALERT! This contains spoilers for the anime  Hello World . Well, I finished watching Hello World . Amazing and enjoyable. Even though much of it didn’t make sense, especially the very end, I still enjoyed it a lot. After researching the ending, I found out that there’s an additional 3-part continuation of 10 minutes each called Another World . I downloaded those and watched them this evening. They filled in some background story, but didn’t really do much to explain the ending. 

SPOILER ALERT! This contains spoilers for the anime Hello World . I started watching the anime movie Hello World . I think I’m just over halfway done. Very interesting so far. The idea of what is real has always fascinated me. I can’t help thinking that some people may view the main character’s future self as deluded in wanting to change the recorded memories to allow his girlfriend to live. It would seem pointless since those are just memories of what happened. It wouldn’t change the real situation. But I think I might do something similar if I was put in that situation. I think the memories are real as well. And just changing the virtual recording would make me feel better. To live through it virtually would be just as real. Then there’s the other scary side of memories. I think some memories can never be washed away. One problem I have with Christianity and other religions with any idea of salvation in the afterlife is that I don’t see how it can ever justify some things...

SPOILER ALERT! This contains spoilers for Fate Apocrypha  and  Mistborn: Secret History . I finally finished watching Fate Apocrypha a couple days ago. Wow, that was an amazing series. I think it's not as highly rated as other Fate series, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think it was nice to have even more heroes, which led to more background stories and more interactions between characters. I wish I had more time to process my thoughts and better writing skills to get them down in words. But I'll settle for mentioning a couple ideas that really struck me. I hope to come back to the series someday in the future. I really liked Mordred and her master. They had such a great relationship of mutual respect. I guess I knew Mordred couldn't be the final winner, but it was still sad to see their end. It was nice for her and her master to come to final revelations about their dreams and to feel that everything was resolved for them. I believe Mordred was finally able to ...

My friend Mia from War of Genesis has been kindly keeping in touch with me. She always expresses concern about me. She was letting me know that she's there for me if I ever need to chat with someone confidentially about personal issues. She's really so sweet. I decided to let her know about my blog. I tend to write more here than I do while chatting, so this would be a way for her to see another side of me. I hope she'll also drop by my Discord server again sometime.

So I've started experimenting with Habitica. Archer agreed to join up with me to do this together. I've been gradually adding some habits, dailies, and tasks. I had already lost a lot of health because I let it add a bunch of default items and didn't get around to changing them or checking them off. Haha. 😀 I quickly recovered and have already reached level 3. It's kind of a fun way to handle habits. I like that you get equipment to add to your character. I do hope that Archer will get into it as well. Haha, I may need to push him a little. 😀 https://habitica.com/ https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.habitrpg.android.habitica

I’m feeling lost. I have so much to do, but I just don’t feel like doing anything. I keep spending my time on Discord servers and such, checking what others are doing or saying. I had accidentally discovered a Discord server for Mistborn and other books written by Brandon Sanderson. I was just looking for Mistborn emoji, but when I joined, I received a unique welcome. Besides welcoming me, they had one person give me a tour of the channels. They even mentioned a channel that was a sort of supportive chat. I was pleasantly surprised by all this and hopeful about becoming a part of the group. Though now that I’ve been checking it out over the last day or so, I’m not sure that there’s much to the group. But I’ll keep checking for awhile. I’m considering trying out Habitica. It’s a gamified habit-tracking app that you can join together with others. I was considering first checking if Archer wants to do this together. He seems to need motivation, and he also seems to want to do more ...

I rediscovered today that I really need to be more aware of my leisure time. I find that I do need certain types of leisure, like watching inspirational music videos or watching anime. Ones where I mostly relax and don’t do anything other than feel. Like the music video above is something I enjoy watching over and over again to inspire me. Gaming is a different form of leisure. Sometimes it actually requires too much thought and work, so I shouldn’t play during times when I should really be relaxing. And reading is somewhere in between. It isn’t quite as relaxing as just watching something, but close to that.