Lost Whyspers

Since writing my last post, I’ve been trying to take a few more small steps back into things. One of those steps was joining a mafia game on 17th Shard. It’s called QF80 -  In Pursuit of Harmony , and it’s my first game in about four years. 🗡️✨ I was nervous about it. There are a lot of people, a lot of rules, and a lot of opportunities to say something awkward or disappear again. But a Quick Fix game felt like a manageable way to try. There’s a structure to it. A shared story. A reason to show up and say something. I’m playing a Malwish summit aide who keeps track of negotiations, remembers details, and notices the people everyone else overlooks. That part felt very easy to understand. 📚👀 I’m still remembering how to participate. Still figuring out when to speak, how much to say, and how to let myself enjoy being around people again. But I’m there. I’m posting. I’m asking questions. I’m trying to follow the conversation even when my brain tells me I’m probably doing everything ...

It’s been a long time since I wrote here. The last post was in 2023, which feels strange to even type. ⏳ A lot has happened since then, although I’m not sure I know how to summarize it neatly. Anxiety , mostly. Some other life issues. A slow tendency to recede from things instead of reaching toward them. 🌧️ At first it was online spaces. I stopped replying to messages. I avoided communities I used to enjoy. I kept thinking I would come back when I felt more prepared, or more like myself, or less tired. I kept waiting for “later,” and then later became a habit . 🫥 Eventually I started avoiding social contact in real life too. It was easier to stay home. Easier not to explain myself. Easier to let the world keep moving without me for a while. 🏠 I don’t think I made a deliberate decision to disappear. I just kept taking one small step backward, and then another. Over the last half year or so, I’ve been taking anxiety medication , and it has really helped. 💊 It hasn’t magically fixed ...

I keep feeling that I want and need to write more, but then I have trouble getting myself to do it. I know I should make it a habit to write a little each day and build up, but even that little bit is difficult. I somehow sense that I'm afraid? Afraid of where things might lead? But that seems silly... I've been having a growing sense of moving away from things. I feel like I'm going to eventually move away from participating on FoL. And even Discord in general maybe. I don't go there much anymore. But where will I go? I know I need connections... My life is a swirl of possibilities right now. I feel hopeful, yet also hesitant. I don't want to put my hopes too much into anything. Everytime I do, I find that something comes up and either gets in the way or completely destroys what I had. Yet I must move on. I must keep going and hoping and making steps however I can. It will all build up and lead to something, right? It must.

Keep avoiding writing for some reason Making myself just jot down a quick list so this doesn't continue Want to write more fully soon Still avoiding Discord and most social interaction Why do I keep avoiding people instead of reaching out? I know I need to talk more I know I don't need to expect people to solve my problems I know I should focus on other people to take away my self-centered focus on my own problems I think part of the issue is that I don't want to disappoint others I don't want to feel responsible Excited about Brandon Sanderson's Secret Project #2 Listening to audiobook for Murderbot book 1 Not really feeling like playing much Watched Andor TV series recently and enjoyed it

Replied to Sassy Messaged me on my birthday last month Sounds like she is going through struggles Feel bad that I didn't see the message sooner and reply Sounds like she wants to talk about her struggles Not sure I'm someone who can really help since I don't handle my own struggles very well However I do certainly understand the need to talk about things with people I don't do that very well myself though Replied to Shade Really has been too long since I said anything He was kind to message me I do see that he's been streaming on Twitch most nights Someday maybe I'll drop in and watch while he's live Worked on getting done with a number of little tasks Feels good Reading less than usual Think I need to get into a novel again Playing Marvel Snap and Othercide lately Still don't think I'm ready to play Forum Mafia again

Longer I stop writing, the harder it is to get back into it Thought about writing something in long form, but going to stick with this bullet journal for the time being Reading Things That Matter lately Really loved reading Tress of the Emerald Sea recently Written by Brandon Sanderson and part of the Cosmere Started playing Marvel SNAP Cool to play in short bursts Also started playing Othercide Cool theme and atmosphere Finished with Project CT recently

I decided it was time to change my profile pic again. This is a beautiful drawing by Nixeu of Ashe from League of Legends.

Going way too long without writing Wanted to write out something long about recent thoughts Settled on doing a bullet list for now Still need to get around to reading comments on my blog Still need to get around to logging into Discord again Still need to get around to communicating with friends Still need to write Still have so much I want to read Currently reading  Tress of the Emerald Sea  by Brandon Sanderson Also started reading  Things That Matter: Overcoming Distraction to Pursue a More Meaningful Life  by Joshua Becker Watching some Classroom of the Elite  anime recently So many thoughts in my head

I just realized that I haven't been getting any email notifications about comments on my blog. I see that I've missed lots of them and need to go through them soon. It looks like the setting for getting email notifications was disabled for some reason, which is pretty stupid. I also need to get back into writing more regularly. Not sure why I've been feeling reluctant to write. Though at the same time I feel eager to get my thoughts out. Weird.

I've been pondering a lot about what I live for. What gives meaning to my life? That seems like an important question to answer. Yet sometimes it feels like a trick question that will absorb all your time trying to figure out. That maybe it is best to just do what you can with little things in daily life and little wins here and there and not worry about that big question. Sometimes I think I have an answer and it motivates me for a time. Maybe not always the full answer, but I get a feeling like I'm on the verge of knowing the answer and if I just pursue it down a certain path, it will become more and more clear. But then things overtake me and I soon forget where I'm going. Is it getting any better the longer I live? I have this hope and faith that it is. So even though I've failed so many times in the past, I have become more experience and wise hopefully that when I get on the path again, I'm be better prepared to follow through. And that will my experience and ...

Awww man, just got news that something I thought I was done with 3 years ago is coming back to trouble me again Now more troublesome due to being in the US Oh well, I guess I just have to deal with it Ups and downs as usual Haven't felt like coming here to write Yet so many things I wish I had written about I took some notes of things Continuing to read Cytonic Listened to dramatized audiobook of Emperor's Soul , which I previously read Felt as amazing as it was reading it the first time Feel like I'll probably listen to it again in the future Started listening to dramatized audiobook of White Sand Another one by Brandon Sanderson Originally just a graphic novel (comic book) Don't enjoy reading those Thrilled to find out there was an audiobook instead

I switched over to a new profile pic of a winter girl. I animated it with the falling snow.

First post of the year Mind is such a clutter Still trying to figure out the best way to sort through everything Keep needing to force myself to take things a piece at a time Finished watching Rings of Power a few days ago Last episode of the season felt rushed Overall I still enjoyed the series Probably will watch season 2 when that comes out Guitar learning has improved after switching to new tutorial videos Started playing Guild Wars 2 Huge install Just trying it out since I heard positive things about this MMO Not sure that I'll continue Find myself getting bored easily with games now Maybe not bored exactly, but just questioning whether they are worth playing Still avoiding a number of social interactions Though did successfully navigate a difficult conversation yesterday

Watched movie Everything Everywhere All At Once Still trying to process what it means to me Particularly liked a part where one character talked about how others might see him as weak However he uses kindness and positivity as his way to fight against despair in the universe Started playing Diablo 3 again a little Christmas weekend went okay

Listened to meditation about anxiety Talked about how anxiety is something people get used to Sometimes felt each day for years Worried about losing it and not knowing what to replace it with Better the devil you know than the one you don't I feel this way sometimes Feel superstitious that if I don't have the anxiety, then things will go badly That the anxiety is what keeps me safe or makes things work out Created above character using AI art tool Ran out of images from free trial Need to decide if I want to do more Love the potential Still pondering Misc game for FoL

Knew I hadn't written for a while, but didn't realize 2 weeks Busy thinking about other things I guess Life going okay overall though Preparing to talk to counselor online Nervous about this Still need to reply to people! Completed another Forum Mafia game on FoL Subbed into it Want to write more about it in separate post Reading Cytonic by Brandon Sanderson Book 3 of the Skyward series

I finally got around to adding an AI bot called Midjourney to my private Discord server and setting it up. I tested it with the prompt "fate saber celebrating christmas" and got the above image after a couple upscales. I'm looking forward to testing out some other images. 🙂

Yesterday's blowup ended up better than expected Things going okay I guess Still worried as usual Trying to get better about that How do I get to the point where I am okay with conflict? Or with uncertainty? Or even thrive on uncertainty? Scares me when I see about crimes or accidents happening Especially when close to our area How can I become more like a Stoic with events like these? I need to learn from things yet not let them overwhelm me with fear or other emotions that aren't helpful Wish I could be more helpful to my nieces with various issues in their lives I hate when I can't really do anything other than listen Though I know that listening is helpful still I do wish to become more of a guide

We (Town) won the invitational game on FoL! 🙂 Pathologic Invitational - TOWN VICTORY!! - Forum Games / Completed - Fortress of Lies Really need to update my FM game list Working through slight depression Working through long-term ways to handle life Need to reply to people Heard about new TV series called Wednesday Based on Addams Family Backing up couple games on FoL Not sure how ready I am to start game again Want to play, but also not wanting to move too quickly into it Big issue blowing up now 😟

Guess I went through this week without writing Busy earlier this week with Forum Mafia game Later just busy I guess Also rather tired Is there no true rest? Reading ReDawn Trying to choose next non-fiction book Need time to think through stuff Wanting to watch something but don't feel like I'll enjoy watching right now Wanting to play but don't feel like I'll enjoy Depression again? Something else? Something pulling me elsewhere? EDIT: Been coming up with ideas for my project